Nothing worth having comes easy.

I haven’t logged on in almost four months. It’s also been four months since I gave into temptation. I’ve gained a tremendous amount of weight and as much as I feel upset with myself, I know that feeling this way will not help me get back up! I’m in a glass case of emotions right now. Looking back at how much weight I had lost and how much weight I have gained feels unreal. Today, I have decided that after four months, I want to get back into shape. I am so tired of waking up every morning and feeling sluggish and disgusted with myself. 

Today, I decided to start a healthy lifestyle once more, everything went good except for the working out part. I tried to go back into doing Insanity but that was way too intense for me, I just could not. So I did weight training and about 15 minutes of cardio. Though I hate to do it this way, I am starting slow this time - building up to the more intense workouts. Is this okay?

“Let your past make you better not bitter.” Wow. Something I should be living by. So much has happened this past week and nothing positive. I pretty much gave up this past week. Literally EVERYTHING I’ve worked so hard for these last four months, I threw it away. Right when I was about to hit my 40 lb mark too! Working out, eating well, and being in the best possible state of mind, just wasted, thrown away. This last week, I went back to my old ways, even worse. I in fact lied to get my ways. I ate and ate and ate and ate and though I didn’t feel guilty in the moment, sitting here, writing this, makes me realize that I, in fact, do feel guilty about this. About EVERYTHING.

I just want things to go back to the way they were. I know I’m strong enough to re-start this, but I’m just scared that I might fall back again. My mother is starting to give up on me and I don’t know where that resiliency that I once had has gone. I’m frightened to the core that I’m going to go back to the obese, 222 lb girl I once was. What’s worse is that I don’t know what is triggering all of this. I’ve honestly lost all motivation to work out and I know for a fact: this is not me.

I must pick myself up again and know that I am worth so much more than this. I can not let this demon continue to defeat me, my goals, ambitions, and aspirations. Tomorrow will be a new day, and I will start all over again, regardless of how many pounds I might’ve gained. I will achieve success and surpass my potential one step at a time. My will-power is greater than any laziness and starting tomorrow, I will not give up something I’ve worked so hard for, for something I want in the moment.

I will fucking defeat this mother fucker.

As I had updated earlier…I did and did not feel like shit: 1.) for letting myself go this last week and 2.) for not wanting to exercise at all.

I was literally infront of my computer and wanting to kill myself, but I pushed myself (I don’t know where I got the will power from, but I did!) and I achieved it. Now I’m sitting here infront of my computer, drenched in sweat, feeling the satisfaction of my determination.

It really is possible guys! Like I said earlier, failure will happen. It is a part of life. But it is up to me to do all I can to not let that from happening. Meanwhile, I will enjoy every bit of my will-power.

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IF YOU REACH FOR THE HEIGHTS. 

Kind of depressed, kind of not. And it’s really weird. About a week or so ago, I said to myself, “I’ve been working on myself so hard all this while: I deserve a ‘cheat day’!” WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? This then carried out to the next week (which was last week) and I just ate healthy and exercised for the first half of the week.

Yesterday, I saw the person I was four months. Needless to say, I gained weight. At my weigh-in this morning, I gained a total of 5 pounds! JSFHSDHJFHDSKJHKJFSDf…I can’t even comprehend this. How in the fuck is 5 pounds possible? I felt like a failure and it hit me really hard, because I should know better than this and I thought I did. But this just comes to show that NOBODY IS PERFECT and that FAILURE WILL happen…I don’t care if you think you’re some higher power or what not. 

I guess my resiliency is now at play. What matters from this point on is my ability to bounce back and get back into MY life NOW, not what it was.

I’m not going to lie though, I am afraid that this event may happen again. The thought alone frightens me to the core because I never want this to happen again. I am happiest when I am healthiest.